Gonna keep it short this month because I don’t feel like writing, but I feel like being a hypocrite even less. Here goes…
I’m not a big person for Halloween. In fact, I usually choose something about my current outfit and use it as my costume. For example, I think I’ve been a golfer 6 or 7 times in the last 10 years because I had a polo shirt on. The other times I just say I’m a nerd (see glasses). Tomorrow, drink in hand, I think I’ll be a Starbucks customer.
But this year has been different. I’ve enjoyed seeing people in their costumes (mostly nurses). I even thought about wearing one myself (say, a doctor to go with the nurses) until a straw broke the camel’s back of my mood…
I was in festive spirits until yesterday, when the TV Guide channel rocked my world in the least desirable of ways. There I was, just an innocent guy looking for the ‘Big Bang Theory’ marathon on TBS (thug life fool, big ups Lexy) and low-and-behold, the TV Guide channel was playing some terrifying horror movie. Some dark shadow creature pursuing people through rooms and yuppies were talking at a conference table. The horror.
If you know me in person, you’re aware horror movies are not high on my list. I loved ‘Seven’ (shut up, boxed heads are scary) and Zombieland (shut up, I don’t care if it was a comedy). I’ve seen some horror movies, but mostly I don’t understand the allure of being terrified for the fun of it. Real life is often terrifying enough without some sucktard in makeup murdering hapless campers or hot chicks. I say let the hot chicks live and campers are cool if they cook for me. Even better when a hot camper chick cooks for me.
But here’s my gripe TV Guide Channel: You are not accomplishing your mission if you are terrifying people to the point where they can’t focus on selecting a program. Fine I’m a lightweight and not much into horror movies… but it was a legitimately scary movie you were playing even so. I got through it, I’m a big boy (even I laughed right there)… but dammit I didn’t enjoy it. So just imagine if someone who is more easily scared than me, say a 9 year old girl, was trying to find SpongeBob on the TV Guide Channel. Instead of finding Patrick and Friends, she’d find what I have to believe was an Rated-R horror movie on the TV Guide Channel. And TV Guide channel are you going to pay that 9 year old girl’s therapy bills? Or mine?
Shame on you TV Guide Channel. Send me a Chipotle gift card and I’ll consider forgiving you.
Off to watch Night of the Hunter, tootles. Maybe I do enjoy being a hypocrite a little bit…
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